a recipe for postpartum depression

1 new mom + 1 screaming baby - adequate sleep for both mom and baby + a string of gloomy days + virtually being chained to one spot in your house because of jaundice therapy + rehoming your dogs = a perfect postpartum storm.

Alright, in reality I'm actually doing ok. We have just had a rough couple of weeks over here in the Goochey home. It started last week by finding out that Alma had some lingering jaundice that her pediatrician was concerned about. Treatment for the jaundice meant that Alma had to lay on a fluorescent blue fiber optic mat, wearing only her diaper, 24/7 until her blood tests said she was in the safe zone. Unfortunately, in order to facilitate this light mat, someone had to be holding Alma while she was wrapped up in blankets around the mat and since the cord for the contraption was only about 4' long, this meant that whoever was holding her was stuck in one place. All the time. While she cried.

PLUS, we kept having to bring her to the hospital to get blood tests done and of course she hated that. But at least she got some cool Snoopy bandaids!

The fiber optic mat made her look like one of those weird glow-worm toys from when I was a kid. This is our little glow-bug.

And this is one of the few times that we got her to sleep and were able to get her situated in her little chair so we could be temporarily hands free.

If that wasn't difficult enough, whammy #2: we decided that we needed to rehome our dogs. Never have I had to make such a difficult decision as this. I still feel like I failed as a dog owner and have this nagging bit of guilt that I never should have adopted them in the first place if we couldn't see it through for their whole lives. After Alma was born, it became very apparent that Wanda's separation anxiety and housetraining issues were only getting worse and because we have no yard and less time to walk them, they were getting restless and naughty. We wanted to do the best thing for our daughter and dogs and that meant placing the dogs in homes that could give them the attention that they deserved. We were lucky enough that our awesome friend Matt wanted to adopt Lincoln, because we think Matt is great and Lincoln is in love with him. It was easier to say goodbye to her last night when he picked her up because we knew that we would see her again and knew exactly what situation she was moving in to. As for Wanda, we weren't able to find a home for her and had to do the awful thing of surrendering her to the humane society this morning. When it was time to walk away from her and leave her there, Alex and I both started crying and it took everything inside of me to not run back inside and say that I had made a big mistake and beg to take her back.

The Lord really blessed us with those dogs. They were wacky and naughty and sweet and hilarious. As my depression has gotten more difficult over these past few years, my dogs were the best therapy and company for me. They put routine into my days, gave me somebody to talk to while I was at home alone and offered affection when I needed it the most. I'm still kind of in shock over being a dog-free home but I think it will be the best thing for Alma.

We spent our afternoon and evening taking down the kennel, vacuuming up dog hair, throwing away old tennis balls and stuffed animals. We just decided that the only way to deal with them leaving was to make as fresh of a start without them as we could.

But I really love them.

And now I'm sitting at my computer, crying about them again. Big changes are often such a struggle.